I wrote this post as part of the Parenting In America Carnival hosted by Adventures in Mommyhood: Mommy Outnumbered. The Carnival is running from July 3-10, 2011. This is post number two in a series of three. You can find the first post here.
I started babysitting when I was 12 years old. I was a nanny my first two years of college. I worked in a Waldorf preschool. I had a lot of experience with children and thought that I was raised very peacefully by both of my parents. Most of my friends had children before me and it was fascinating to observe all of the different parenting styles and methods. I found it interesting to see what approaches really seemed to work and which ones were bordering on complete failures at times. Of course there were also those approaches that seemed to work sporadically.
I have quite a laundry list of what I do and don’t do as a mother, but here are ten parenting approaches that just aren’t for me. These are the approaches that I personally believe have been shoved down our throats by “experts.” Please do not assume that I think that by using these methods, you are a bad parent. Quite the contrary. I think that most parents truly try their hardest given the tools available to them. Everyone is on their own personal journey as a parent and as a family and you have to do what you are comfortable with and what works. These approaches might be all you know. My goal here is to hopefully provide you with a perspective different than your own (or the same as the case may be) in an effort to get parents thinking about how they really parent. Darn it! I just want to end this mess of ineffective parenting in America!
And without further ado…my list:
1. I will never spank or hit my daughter. This is a big one for me. As I see it, most parents would not encourage their child(ren) to hit or get physical with another child or adult. However, children all learn through example and imitation. Therefore, if mom or dad hits their child, they are in effect showing them that hitting is acceptable as a form of discipline or punishment for a perceived wrongdoing. How can a parent expect their child to use gentle hands when gentle hands are not used on them?
2. I will not subscribe to a rewards and punishment system. This is another area that I am a big proponent against. I was raised on a mild rewards and punishment system. (I say mild because I was a very well behaved child naturally. My parents very rarely had to use any form of punishment on me). I can say that rewards and restrictions of privileges never had an impact on me. Self motivation and my own morality played a much bigger role. After I read Alfie Kohn’s book, Unconditional Parenting, I had an even bigger awakening as to why the commonplace rewards and punishment system is ineffective. Offering rewards for “good” behavior and taking away privileges and possessions for “bad” behavior does nothing to address the behavior in question. Why would I want to miss an opportunity to help my daughter understand what is driving a particular behavior and how she might be able to do something better, different, or not-at-all?
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| Photo Credit: Flickr/Lee Turner |
3. You will not catch me forcing my daughter to finish everything on her plate. Ugg. Food should never become a power struggle. I was never forced to try something I wasn’t keen on, clean my plate, “save myself for dinner,” “eat my vegetables,” or take a bite of X, Y, or Z in order to get dessert. Meal times should be a time for family to come together and enjoy each other’s company while nourishing our bodies. It should not become a battle ground over how much your child is or isn’t eating. I am not suggesting that parents become short order cooks and cater to every food preference exhibited by the child, but I do feel strongly that at least one food item offered should be something that the child will eat and that any other offerings are left for the child to try or avoid at their discretion. I notice that my daughter is more likely to try items on her plate if I am also eating the same things and doing so with enthusiasm. Encouraging her to “try a bite” usually leads to her refusing the food completely. So we just all sit down to eat and if my daughter is hungry, she will eat. If she is not hungry or not interested in the food then she pushes it away (or throws it, or drops it on the floor, or spits it across the table…which is ok because she is a toddler and does not have the table manners of an adult yet!) She has never starved. Not once. She also understands that mealtimes are about more than just eating and she savors the warmth of family enjoying each other. For more information on toddler eating, see this post HERE.
4. I do not see the need to force my daughter to say please and thank you. If a child is too young to sincerely be thankful or to comprehend why please has become a standard “good manners” verbal gesture, then I see no reason for putting them on auto-pilot and insisting that they say please and thank you. In effect, you are teaching your child to lie. Really. If your child is not truly grateful for something and he or she is forced to say thank you, you are teaching your child that lying is acceptable if it makes someone else feel good. I know that a lot of parents will disagree with me on this and that is fine. I prefer to model good manners and eventually, my daughter will comprehend and embody these manners as well. She now says thank you on occasion. And I know she means it.
5. Sharing and taking turns is not something that I feel I need to prompt in the early years. I babysat my friend’s son who is a few weeks older than my daughter. Whenever I interfered and tried to assist the children in sharing or taking turns, it backfired. They both got frustrated, defensive, and territorial. They tended to also ignore me and turn up the heat between each other. My reaction drove and amplified their struggle. When I left the two to work it out on their own, they often times came to a resolution within seconds. The longest power struggle I clocked was 41 seconds. Toddlers and young children should never be forced to share and take turns because they simply do not have the cognitive ability to understand why they “need to.” Young children are egocentric and the world really does revolve around them. If they are happily enjoying a toy, why do they want to let another child play with it before they are done? They don’t. And why do I get to decide and enforce who gets what when? I do believe that if things begin to get physical, then gentle guidance by an adult is in order. Something as simple as pointing out to your child that the other child is still playing with the toy and when he or she is done, then your child will be able to enjoy the toy as well can be really effective.
6. I will not push my daughter out of her comfort zone. Children’s senses need to be protected at all costs. They need to trust their parents fully. Children must know that the two people in this world who will never cause them distress and discomfort are their parents. It really irks me when I see parents insisting that their young children “just try” to do something that they are clearly not interested in or capable of or more importantly, scared of. Santa Clause is a big annoyance for me in this regard. How many tears stain that poor man’s lap because a young child does not want this strange man in a costume to hold them while some other stranger who is waving wildly and making weird faces from behind a camera tries to get them to smile for a picture? Seriously. That is ludicrous to me. Same with activities like swimming. For gosh sakes – let your child observe the scene at the pool and get a feel for the whole idea. Don’t just grab your child and plop them in the water. How would you like someone doing that to you?
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| Photo Credit: Flickr/Dawnzy |
7. I will not force my daughter to hug or kiss a relative or friend because it is polite and expected. Consider this…as a child, parents often insist on these sort of gestures yet when that same child gets older, we caution them against allowing relatives, friends and strangers from hugging or kissing us if it does not make us comfortable. Anyone else see an oxymoron?
8. I do not think it is healthy to push my daughter into learning new skills or academics before there is a need or before she is ready. I saw a comment from another mom blog that said something to the effect of “just because my son can do something doesn’t mean it is my job to ‘teach’ him to do it.” I could not agree more. Our society pushes children out of childhood at an earlier and earlier age. The only thing that children should HAVE to do (in my opinion) is enjoy being children and warmly embrace the spontaneity and rawness of being a child. Their responsibility is to play, learn through imitation, and develop physically. A 18 month old who CAN talk does not need to learn the alphabet. A 2 year old who CAN jump doesn’t need to be enrolled in competitive gymnastics. Children should guide parents when it comes to what they are ready to learn and do.
9. I will not feed my daughter pre-packaged, processed, sugar laden foods. I hate the fast-food, convenience-food mentality of society today. It sickens me that we have allowed it to take over! Yes, I get that it is really difficult to make a home cooked meal using fresh ingredients seven days a week when both parents work. However, the long term health effects are so detrimental that I cannot fathom why parents would not at least try to work out a solution that would incorporate more fresh, real foods into the family diet. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post on Real Foods for Real Children!
10. And finally, I promise to never, ever, ever discourage my child from being who she is simply because it goes against the norm. Individuality and diversity are what makes this planet such an amazing place. Who I am to limit the person my child is supposed to become?
I hope that you enjoyed, were mildly entertained, or perhaps inspired by my pointed not so little list. I always have fun expressing my opinions! J
Blessings,
Jennifer
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Great post. I really love the part about not pushing your daughter into situations she is uncomfortable with or to learn new skills she is not ready for. I sometimes struggle in these areas but I have gotten much better at just stepping back and letting things happen on their own.
Kimmy gave up her binkie all on her own at 2.5 yrs old. I never pushed or tried to take it from her. I had people lecturing and whispering in my ear all the time about how I needed to just take it away from her and after a few bad days it would be “fine”. She did it all on her own, when she was ready.
I am desperately trying to approach potty learning the same way. She is 3 now and I have 3 in diapers so I must admit I am getting anxious for someone to potty learn already haha.
I was made aware of several things I am doing that I would really rather not.so you have opened my eyes to a different thought process.
I agree whole-heartedly with your post. Everything you say makes complete and total sense in my world.
I just found your blog and am seriously going to make it my home page when I open the Internet.
So far it’s just top notch information that I’ve been trying to implement for several years.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
Please elaborate, if you are not spanking your daughter and she is at an age where logical decisions cannot be made or related to them, then how are you teaching her? I am not saying spanking a child is necessary but when my son cannot comprehend what he is doing wrong because his logical mind thinks “what mom, I want to touch the stove” I cannot sit down and talk to him about how hot the stove is etc. In forcing my son to say “please, and thank you” is not teching him to lie, it is plain ol’ manners. I ask him once to say it and if not we move on.
Mia
Hi Mia – this will be a multi part response as I cannot post more than a certain number of characters. So here we go…
Hi Mia! Great question and one that I can only answer from a “what works for my daughter” perspective because every child will respond differently.
First, there are ALWAYS going to be circumstances where I have to deviate from my standard parenting approach. Imminent danger would certainly be one of them. However, if my daughter is in imminent danger then certainly it is because of a failure on MY part to either know where she is and what she is doing OR because I let my attention wander for a minute. Children of any age are QUICK and seem to know when mama is not paying attention. With that in mind, I am still never going to punish my daughter for acting on impulse when she is too young to control impulses and make logical decisions.
Here is what I have done from the time she was about 8 months old. (That was when she started crawling). First, I always model the behavior that I would like my daughter to engage in. This is highly effective for little things like teeth brushing, helping with daily household duties, putting toys away, etc. If she is watching everything that I do, then I need to take the time to do it right and allow my daughter to see me in action. Children will naturally follow their main caregiver’s general pattern of behavior and way of doing things. Modeling gets dicey when it comes to things like not touching a hot stove, not putting items in a toilet, not running into a busy street, etc. I mean, if I am cooking then clearly I will be touching the stove. So how do I keep my daughter safe and keep her curiosity about the stove at bay? Until my daughter clearly began to understand the concept of a hot stove, I kept her out of the kitchen while I was cooking or I wore her in my Beco carrier. I saw no reason to tempt fate while she was under about 18 months. What I did from the time she was 8 months until about 18 months was to say “hot, hot, hot. Burn. Only mommy or daddy touches the stove.” I said this every single time I opened the oven or turned on a burner. I also made sure to show her that I was using pot holders. I didn’t care if she understood what a potholder was, but I wanted her to see that I was physically using something to get things in and out of the oven. When my daughter would come into the kitchen while I was not cooking, I would not say anything unless she started to meander towards the stove. All I would say is “only mommy and daddy touch the stove. You may play with your pots.” When my daughter was around 18 months old, she would still occasionally hang out on my back in the carrier but mostly she wanted to “help” me in the kitchen. I set her up with appropriate kitchen play stuff and kept an eye on her. She has NEVER, EVER tried to touch the stove. When I am cooking she now says “Mommy touch. Hot. Burn. Ouch. Me no touch.” I really do not think that I did anything extraordinary other than being consistent, keeping my daughter away from a potentially dangerous situation when I knew she was not developmentally ready to be near a hot stove, and watching her carefully when she was around the stove.
Some children will be more of a risk taker than my daughter and no matter what you tell them, model for them, show them, or discipline them for, they will still engage in risky behavior. I do not know how mamas handle these children. It must be draining because you have to be on top of them at all times. I do not think that my method would have worked for such a child.
Let’s say that my daughter decided tomorrow that she was going to touch the hot stove. Well, guess what? I failed because I was not on top of things. If I had been paying attention, I would have seen that action coming. Hopefully, I could have physically prevented her from touching the stove. If she was getting close to touching it, I would not try a gentle reminder. I would grab her away with a stern, “mommy means business” NO and then follow that up with my standard line. I would also tell her that she scared me because I thought that she was going to get burned. That would be that. No need for punishment since it was my fault, not hers. Now, IF she did manage to touch the stove and burn herself, then I would comfort her, tend to the burn, but chalk it up to her learning a natural consequence. Once a child gets burned, they will typically have learned a lesson. Yes, it is the hard way, and no, it is not my preference, but if it did happen then natural consequences will do more than anything I would say or do. All I would tell my daughter is that “this is what happens when you touch a hot stove.”
If my daughter ran into a street, I cannot promise that I would not overreact. I think that things like playing with fire, running in front of cars, and talking to strangers bring out a mama bear instinct in us all. Our adrenaline, love, and fear take over and most moms react loudly, abruptly, and scare the crap out of their kids. I think that reconnecting afterwards and explaining (at a developmentally appropriate level) is the best course if you have reacted harshly.
Did any of that answer your question? I am not sure how old your son is but this posted today at Positive Parenting Toddlers and Beyond and I think it speaks to what I was getting at. http://gratitudeandgaiety.blogspot.com/2011/07/nonpunitive-discipline-lazy-parenting.html. You might want to check it out for more insight as to where I am coming from.
As for Please and Thank You…I guess I should qualify that my approach is based on the capabilities of a 2 year old. She does not understand manners. She can’t. Children do not have the ability to truly understand manners until after they turn 7 years old, on average. So, children are simply parroting when they say please and thank you. There is no sincerity to their words. I am choosing to allow my daughter to use Please and Thank You if she so chooses (parroting or not) and when she is capable of understanding manners and why our society expects the use of certain words, gestures, etc… then I will allow her the freedom to grow into that idea. My husband and I say please and thank you all the time and my daughter will randomly (although appropriately) use those words. We do not go overboard with it however. I do not want her to turn into a please and thank you robot either. She needs to see where it is best to use those words and where it does not really matter. The whole subject of lying is a tricky one and perhaps I should post my thoughts on that one day. I believe that forcing children to say socially expected things does in a small way encourage lying. You are asking them to say something that they do not mean. For the child who cannot yet understand socially acceptable behavior, you are teaching them (inadvertently) that it is correct behavior to say the right thing. Saying the right thing can also be a form of lying. Tricky, murky waters here and for MOST children, being taught or encouraged to say please and thank you will not make them pathological liars later in life. These are just my thoughts. The entire subject of manners if another post as well, even though I touched on it here.
Thanks Mia for the thoughtful questions!
I had a moment today that I though I handled pretty well. Some may not think so but for me, I was actually quite happy with myself.
My youngest went down for a nap. She has just turned 4 months and we have decided to put her in her crib at an earlier age than we did her sister. Baby girl has already started turning over from front to back, not always, not consistent just randomly. So keeping her in her bassinet stroller in our bedroom is no longer an option in case she somehow rolls out.
So, asleep, I put her in her crib. In the girls room. Big sister sleeps in our bed, so their room has really just been a play room.
Sister and I played and laughed and had lunch, etc. After lunch I gave her a small handful of chocolate chips to eat. Once done I mentioned running a toothbrush over her teeth.
(Side note:tooth brushing is such an ordeal here) I went into the kitchen to get said toothbrush and next thing I know I hear sister run full tilt to the hallway.
CRAP!
She hits her door running and it bashes into the wall and I’m right behind her but I wasn’t fast enough so I grab her arm and wheel her out (not the proud part) as fast as I can in the hopes that baby girl slept through it.
No chance.
Horrible wales. Deep, scared crying.
My hubby was napping cause he worked really late the two nights previous so I know sister is okay.
After everyone calms down I had off baby girl to daddy and go find sister. She thinks she’s in trouble and is telling me she wants her daddy not me. I pick her up and put her on my lap facing me and say, “Well, I want you.” and I alternate between hugging her to me and looking into her eyes while I say, “You aren’t in trouble, don’t worry. Mommy forgot to tell you that sister was sleeping in the crib. It’s my fault. But sister will be sleeping in your room from now on okay?”
(something very close to that) “Okay? So you aren’t in trouble. She was just really scared cause you opened the door really loud but she’s okay now.”
I love it when I’m patient with her and teaching instead of frustrated and loud.
It felt like a good day.
Hope I have more like them.
Oh, and I made sure her arm was okay and I hadn’t hurt her, she was fine.
I’m glad I was recommended this blog by a friend. It seems we parent very similar and that’s always nice to know like-minded parents.
When we had more money I used to do a lot less processed, more organic foods. Makes it hard of a very, and I do mean VERY lean budget! We do occasionally have a small happy meal. No one can be perfect
Thanks for all the great information!