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Why Breastfeeding a Toddler is HILARIOUS

Extended breastfeeding is such a powerful venture, both for mom and her child. It certainly has its ups and downs but honestly, the pluses far outweigh any negatives. For me, breastfeeding a toddler, specifically Tiny, is a laugh a minute. Her antics at the boob could make for a highly rated sitcom. Since I personally enjoy a good list, here is a rundown of some of the most amusing things Tiny does or has done while breastfeeding as a 2 year old.

1. Tiny enjoys washing down dinner with some of mama’s milkies. I oblige but typically am still stuffing my face. Therefore, there is food within grabbing distance of Tiny’s unfocused hands. It is not uncommon for her to grab a bite from my plate, put it in her mouth, resume nursing just to discover that she cannot chew and drink at the same time. She then spits out the food, continues drinking, then grabs another bite. Rinse, wash, repeat!

2. Tiny is NOTORIOUS for demanding milkies while we are en route to and from the park. Therefore, it is not uncommon to see me sitting in the stroller, along a busy street, nursing Tiny. It is also not uncommon to have men riding their bikes past us practically crash when they figure out what I am doing.

3. We have sheep around the corner from us. Tiny was dumfounded when she saw the lambs nursing this spring. She became VERY possessive of my boobs whenever we visited the sheep. To show the sheep who was boss, Tiny insisted on having milkies in front of them. We now have to have milkies in front of the sheep whenever we walk by. But first – Tiny announces herself, demands that all the sheep watch, the keeps on eye on them to make sure they are watching HER nurse. This means that every three seconds she is taking my nipple to Egypt and back as she cranes her neck to get a visual on each and every sheep.

(Anyone reading this probably thinks I am a total pushover. Well, this won’t last forever and really, why not?)

4. Tiny likes to carry on a conversation while having milkies. It will go something like this…suck, suck, suck – abrupt delatch – “mama has penis” – suck, suck, suck. I then remind her that daddy has the penis, not me. Suck, suck, suck – “daddy has big penis” – suck, suck, suck. I kid you not. That is a real conversation. Yeah – your guess is as a good as mine.

5. Another fun conversation while breastfeeding. Suck, suck, suck, hysterical laughter followed by mild choking. “Boo poop. Need wipe. On pants.” Suck, suck, suck. “Mama – diaper dirty! Change Boo now!” I remind her that I cannot do so while she is nursing and we will tend to her Boo bear as soon as she is done. “No mama, now. Bring milkies. MOVE!” Aye aye Captain Tiny!

6. Tiny has never been a nipple twiddler however, she somehow made the correlation between a car horn honking and honking my boob. So while she is having milkies, if she hears a car horn honk she will immediately honk my free boob and say “beep.”

7. Tiny is very generous. Therefore, all of her stuffed animals and farm animals line up for milkies. Her animals are also very privileged as “over the shirt” nursing simply does not cut it. Nope – Tiny will remind me to pull my “shuuurt up mama” and each animal gets a 20 second swig.

8. Tiny’s stuffed bunny fell out of the shopping cart one day. Naturally, bunny’s ego was bruised and the best way to handle that (in Tiny’s opinion) was for me to immediately comfort him at the breast. (I swear I am NOT a pushover!)

9. When Tiny is bored or does not want to do whatever it is we are doing, she loudly announces that she wants milkies.

10. When Tiny wants milkies when she is sleeping, she signs for them against my face or ear. I have finely tuned hearing that picks up on the distinct sound of the word “milkies” being signed.

11. Breastfeeding Tiny as a toddler is like breastfeeding a contortionist. This child can manage to get herself into every conceivable bizarre position whilst taking my boob with her.

12. While we are laying down and nursing, Tiny often times practices her 5K marathon at the same time. Legs to the left as far as they can go…legs to the right…nipple up, nipple down, mama makes a muffled choke scream when nipple tries to go to far!

13. Having Tiny’s foot find its way into my mouth while nursing is not uncommon.

14. Tiny will now say “yummy…good” or “ehhh…water mama” after nursing. No rhyme or reason.

15. And last but not least, Tiny always offers milkies to her daddy and giggles hysterically as I make it perfectly clear that daddy is not to come within five yards of my boobs. Sorry daddy…these boobs are working boobs. No pleasure here right now. And in case daddy forgets, Tiny will remind him of my stance with a firm “get out daddy.” Heh!

Comments

  1. You sit IN the stroller to nurse her? Now that’s something I’d like to see!

  2. LOL! Awesome post! Much of this is so true for us too! I miss my baby girl calling it “mama milkies”…AWW! Now she says “Mama milks”. She is also very territorial and yells at daddy when he teases her about stealing her mama milks…lol. I can really relate to 6, 7, 9, 10 and 11 too! LOL, and #3 really makes me laugh! This is all so true! My baby girl is three now and I still love nursing, although there are those times when I’d rather just go to sleep. For the most part she only nurses at bedtimes, but if she’s sick, uncomfortable or anxious, she always need her “mama milks”. ;)

  3. Anonymous says:

    I nursed my now 16 yr old daughter for 49 months. Shortly after she weaned, she was standing on a chair while I got dressed. I walked up to her without a shirt or bra on. She took my breasts in her hands, gave them each a kiss and asked me, “are they going away or staying as decorations?”

  4. Hey! It’s Diana from LLL. I’m so glad I’ve found your blog. You know, I might have been to your blog before and not put it together that I know you. Like in real life. Anywho, I know this will be a great resource for me.

    Oh, and here’s a funny dialogue from my recent tandem nursing session:

    Mom: I love snuggling you two more than chocolate, more than trampolines, more than swimming.
    Luke: (stops nursing) More than puppies!

    The End.

  5. I laughed out loud – HARD – at least 5 times reading this! Between the sheep, the beep and daddy’s big, ahem…oh my! Aren’t toddlers fun to nurse?! You’re lucky you don’t have a nipple twiddler!

    Btw, thanks for sending all the love my way ;) It’s so great to connect with similar-minded mamas!

  6. Jenn @ Monkey Butt Junction says:

    I was nearly in tears at some of these. That was hilarious! What a joy.

  7. Love it! The sheep one is hilarious!

  8. Your post cracked me up! I have to say my lo makes me kiss his feet every nursing. Daddy also comes along in the evening to ask if he can have some. Current little one is number 5, so his asking has been going on a long time! LOL

  9. I needed this! So so funny and true. I should have made one about my little girl. We are now in no milk pregnancy land, but right before that was toddler bliss. I had nipples of steel and the antics were amusing. I hope that after pregnancy the aversion goes away because this is some inspiring stuff you’ve got. HILARIOUS! Truly!

  10. This a quite a list…hilarious!! I would probably break the stroller though if i tried to sit in it, lmao

  11. Thanks for all of the love mamas! This post is quickly turning into one of my most popular. Tiny’s antics could fill a book for sure and I love to hear all of your funny moments! Toddlers and breastfeeding sure are a riot act!

  12. Anonymous says:

    My guy (16 months now) will sometimes hum while nursing (usually Twinkle Twinkle)…subtle, subtle I tell you! This was hysterical!

  13. Anonymous says:

    Hiya – I just read your post and had to add a funny toddler breastfeeding story to your list.
    In cafe in middle of town, during spell of relative silence as people are all eating but cafe is nevertheless completely full… :
    “Mum!!! Tit! Tit!” (bad mistake, I said this word only once to him one day when he was pointing to loads of stuff, about a year ago and saying “what’s dat?” and it stuck. I like to think of this as challenging other people’s ideas on words describing the female body, rather than just a mistake!)
    Then, having only turned a couple of heads he latches off and shouts (ok, says in a very loud excited voice, clearly audible to at least 50% of the café)”dis one tit is mine. Dat one tit is Daddy’s.” then back to drink. 2 women begin to laugh. I pretend nothing’s happening and try not to choke on my salad! My mate who has come out shopping with me says that I’ve fed him for 2 years, now he’s embarrassing me so it’s definitely time to stop. I just smile and say maybe (avoiding confrontation) and laugh to myself on the inside. It was really funny :)

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