Last year I poured my heart out in Two Years Gone By In A Blink Of An Eye. Tiny turning two just hurt. My little baby was gone and I now had a full-fledged toddler. The range of emotions I felt then was intense.
Here we are, one year later. Today I have a three year old. In the interest of consistency, I am again pouring my heart out in a letter to my sweet Tiny.
Today you are officially three years old. No longer a baby. No longer a toddler. Technically you are a “preschooler” although you will not be going to preschool. Wow. Three. Three years old. What happened?
This past year of your life has been rough. It seemed like birth to age two were such memorable, joyous years. I can actually feel the emotions and excitement of those first two years. But this past year? Thing just have not been right. And it pains me to no end.
I ended up in a really bad space health wise and it has impacted my ability to parent you. In March you turned 2. In April I had surgery to remove a growth below my tailbone. In May I developed ulcerative colitis and have been in a vicious cycle of painful flare-ups. I have been trying everything to heal myself naturally but the colitis is so powerful.
Much of this past year of your life has been spent with a mommy who is just not herself. You have seen me doubled over in pain more than I care to admit. You have watched in confusion as I feel fine one minute but am sick as a dog the next.
Pain does something to your brain as well. So do super low Vitamin D levels. I have both. My coping skills are reduced – something I cannot help right now. It takes every ounce of me to keep calm and carry on peacefully. I am not the mother I used to be. But I do my best. And you are thriving.
I wish that this year could have been different. I wish that you had a “normal” mommy…one who wasn’t making a beeline down the hall to the bathroom every two minutes.
I wish that this year was filled with more notable memories. Oh how I long to look back on this year with the same emotion I have for your first two years. But I can’t. This year sucked.
But you…you my sweet Tiny. You have grown into such a beautiful spirit. Your soul is so enchanting. You are deep as the abyss. You have been through all of this before. You are connected to the universe in so many ways. The things you just know are mind blowing. Your gifts are at times unnerving but beautiful nonetheless. You are a really, really special person Tiny.
You are just like me – generous to a fault. Anyone who sets foot in our home leaves with a bag overflowing with your treasured possessions. You just love giving yourself to others. Although you can be stingy with the physical affection, you make up for it with the things you say and the gifts you give.
Language exploded this year and I have shared some of my favorite conversations with you on the blog. You are funny! You have a natural comedic tendency. You don’t try to be funny. You just are.
You are still my little observer. You prefer to take in everything going on around you. You might participate, you might not. You will certainly reflect, deeply.
Your memory transcends comprehension. From describing how it felt to grow in my womb, to recalling a conversation I had with your daddy when you were just a wee one, the catalog in your mind is vast.
You adore nature. You adore animals. You have a natural gift when it comes to animals. Even the most finicky of cats is putty in your arms. You can spend hours visiting with all of the neighborhood horses, goats, sheep, cats, and dogs. There is not one animal that you do not adore. You sing to them. You dance for them. You gently brush their fur. You carry on soft conversations. You draw pictures for them. Your spirit connects on a different plane with the animal kingdom. It is so raw. So real.
If there was ever a child who should be a big sister it is you. You are a nurturer. You are so gentle. You have an innate sense of the needs of others. Seeing you with babies brings tears to my eyes. I cannot even put the image into words. It is such a sight to behold. But alas, you will have to just settle for “borrowing” babies. No siblings here.
Although I feel a lot of guilt for the way this past year has turned out, I also feel such joy that despite my shortcomings, you have blossomed into someone so special, so warm, so deep, so marvelous. You are a joy. You uplift me. And although you often confound me and you always challenge me, I would not have it any other way. You push me to grow as a mother and a person as I gently guide you as you grow into who you will become.
Tiny, I love you. I love you too much. I love you so bad. I love you to the moon, past the sun, and more than all the stars in the sky. Happy 3rd birthday.